mysweetestthings -

Wanna lie in bed all day..♥

Hey you♥ Idag är det Valborg, vilket för dom flesta betyder ledigt, men jag har både gått i skolan, jobbat och ska snart träna! Men det är inte något som jag har emot.. (?) Den meningen blev konstig och jag fick skriva om den tre gånger, men den blev bara konstig ändå.. Iallafall, skolan 09:30-12:40.. Inte så farligt, dock Historia och Natur, inte kul alls.. Men men. Sen bad mamma mig komma och jobba.. Det va kaos med mycket folk på jobbet och hon va tvungen att bli klar med allt.. Så jag åkte upp direkt efter skolan och jobbade i två timmar innan jag åkte hem. Hemma gjorde jag smoothie, kollade på vad jag ska ha på mig ikväll, packade iordning, lagade pannkakor och nu ska jag lägga ner alla mina grejjer i en väska innan jag kan åka! Ikväll, efter träningen, åker jag, Linnea, Lillen och Louise hem till Louise och gör oss iordning! Ikväll blir det utgång med tjejerna och Martina och Lisa!(: Förmodligen Valand, men vi får se vart vi hamnar! Efter det drar vi oss hem till Louise och sover där! Blir våfflor till frukost(y'
Nu måste jag dra mig, åker till träningen om fem minuter och jag är inte klar än.. Festa lugnt! Puss!♥

Just things people say♥

Har ju inte berättat vad jag köpte på ullared än! Inte för att det är speciellt intressant, ville mest berätta att jag äntligen fått köpt mig ett par Amerikanskaflaggan-converse! :D Sen kommer jag inte ens ihåg vad jag köpte.. på riktigt. Var nog inget som var alltför viktigt.. Köpte mig ett linne med en amrikansk flagga på... Det skadar ju aldrig!
Igår var det fredag, och jag och Emmy skulle egentligen på krök i Åsa/Lindome. Men vid halv tio visste vi inte om de blev något eller inte, så vi sket i det. Emmy smsade vid typ elva och sa att dom skulle mot åsa då.. Kändes lite smått ovärt! Åkte istället ut på äventyr.. Vi körde över en Illervalp. Fy. Jag hade ångest efter.
Idag har jag vart på skolan och hjälpt nior som ska börja nästa år! Har även smidit planer inför studenten.. mohahaha :D Fick hamburgare och popcorn innan vi åkte hem(: Fick lasagne när jag kom hem.. Hungrig var ju de sista jag var.. Det känns som söndag idag..

My emotions..♥

Känslan efter 99 days without you..

you deserve to sing with the angels♥

Detta var den vackraste, mest hjärtkrossande, hemskaste, verkligasteärligaste fanfictionen jag någonsin läst. Och jag har läst många.. Jag grät. Snyftade mig igenom, och grät mer på vissa delar.. Jag mådde illa och när jag hade läst klart, var jag helt säker på att det var sant.. Jag blev chockad när jag fick se en bild på Harry och grät, för jag trodde att jag aldrig skulle få se honom igen♥ Jag skakade av gråt. Jag varnar er. Men den är fin.
Tänk om det är såhär han känner på riktigt.. Tänk om han innerst inne mår SKIT för detta.. Nej usch. 
Det är inte jag som skrivit den!
Detta kommer bli långt...

Dear Harry,

You’ve been gone for two weeks now. I haven’t been coping well. The boys have even sent me to a therapist to help me forget. But I can’t forget. You’re all I ever think about. Your head of luscious curls, the way your smile lights up a room, your green eyes that I love so much. You’re impossible to forget. I don’t want to forget.

Of course the boys are worried about me. I’m even worried about me. My therapist is worried as well, and that’s why she has handed me this journal, so I can write down my innermost thoughts. I’m supposed to give it to her every week to read over, and I just feel so weird giving it to her. Most of my thoughts revolve around you, so I guess that’s why she wants to read it over, to make sure I’m handling everything well.

But to be honest I’m not, and yes I’m fairly aware she will read this. But the truth has got to come out sooner or later, yeah? She never specifically told me what to write, but just that I have to write. So I’m writing to you. I hope you don’t mind. I want you to know how I’ve coped with the whole thing.

I’m going to tell you how it’s been without you here with me. How I feel all day every day will be written down in here. Starting from day one, aka, the day you left this world.

Day One:

I woke up like I did every morning, expecting to find you curled up by my side. But when I turned over, the bed was empty, and you were nowhere to be spotted. At first I brushed it off, telling myself that you were just cooking breakfast or showering. But the lack of noise throughout the apartment should have deterred me, and I apologize that I didn’t pay any mind to it. I should have known. I should have stopped you.

When I finally rose from bed, the silence in the house unnerved me, and that’s when the nerves began to kick in. I felt light-headed walking through the flat in my search for you, my knees growing weaker with every step I took.

I guess you could say I finally fell to my knees the moment I found you. I cried. A lot actually. My eyes stung with poisonous tears and my heart pumped with venom at the sight of you. But I don’t blame you, I never have. I blame myself.

I will never be able to un-live that day, or erase the image of your cold unmoving body lying still on the floor. It haunts me every day, and every night.

I did the only thing I knew how to do, and I called the ambulance. They were in the flat within minutes, carrying you away from me. I was unable to move, as well as Niall and Zayn, who I had called along with Liam right after the ambulance. It was Liam who drove us all behind the ambulance, while I silently cried to myself in the back seat.

I didn’t want to believe it.

Day Two:

Your family was there. We were all there. I hugged your mother, trying to comfort her while she cried her eyes out, all the while trying to contain my own tears. The rest of the boys took care of Gemma, who began screaming and thrashing, refusing to believe that her brother had left her. Tears were flying all over the place, and it became hard to defer whose tears belong to whom, but it didn’t really matter.

We all watched from the sidelines as you were removed from your bed, and carried away on a long stretcher, a thin white sheet covering you, so I was unable to see your face one last time.

I refused to believe you were gone. I still refuse.

You’re coming back, aren’t you? I hope you do. Everybody’s pretty fucked up about it. I miss the way things used to be, you know? Now anyone hardly ever smiles. I miss your smile.

Day Three:

Silent. That’s the only word I can use to describe that day. In fact, any day beyond the second has just fallen silent. There were no words to say then, and there still isn’t any.

The boys and I sat stiffly on Liam’s couch, tears slipping down our faces as we realized, we weren’t One Direction anymore. There was no One Direction without you, and there still isn’t.

So that day was wasted on our own pitiful thoughts, and wondering what we would do now that you were gone.

Day Four:

I found your note that day. The familiar sight of your handwriting drove me to tears. I couldn’t find myself to share it with anyone.

Anne visited me that day. I think it was Wednesday, but I really didn’t know. I couldn’t find myself to care. Usually we would be at rehearsals, but the news had already been leaked to the press, and spread all over Twitter. I refused to go online, or watch TV. The only things that played were predictions on why you had done it, but I knew why, so I didn’t want to hear about others theories.

Our fans miss you. I’ve had multiple come up to me while I was walking the streets, crying their eyes out and hugging me, apologizing for my loss. They say that you were amazing, and an amazing person, that you didn’t deserve to go so young. I agree with them.

Why did you leave? Well, I know why. But I just can’t wrap my head around it.

I ended up showing your mother the note. I know you meant it to reach my eyes, and my eyes only, but I felt she had a right to know. She cried, Haz. She cried a lot. I feel as though I’m the one to blame for all of this, and the weight on my shoulders just keeps growing.

Day Five:

We finally began arranging your funeral that day. I don’t know if it was a bit too early to arrange or a bit too late, but all I know is that nobody wanted to do it. Nobody wanted to accept the fact that you were really gone.

Day Six:

I showed the boys the note that day. Well, I didn’t exactly show them. I left it on the kitchen counter, and Zayn had come across it. He walked into the living room with tears streaming down his face, and began to shout at me.

He yelled at me for not telling them. He yelled at me for being selfish. And he blamed it all on me.

Niall and Liam tried to calm him down. But I didn’t blame him for being angry. I was angry at myself as well.

Day Seven:

A week without you in my life, feels like an eternity, and I spent the entire day watching old X Factor videos and interviews of us, pretending you were there with me, laughing along.

Day Eight-Twelve:

I decided to write these days into one big entry because well, not much happened in those days. Zayn still refused to speak to me, and I didn’t blame him. Niall and Liam tried their best to talk to me, but I had become distant. I spoke to no one, except for you of course. But you weren’t really there, and that began to worry them.

Day Thirteen:

I probably should have said in the last entry that by day nine we had finished arranging your funeral. Four days later and there I was, standing cloaked in black over a deep hole in the ground, where you would be forced to remain underneath for eternity.

It wasn’t open casket. We all knew how much you loathed other people seeing you when you weren’t decent. Everyone agreed that it was probably best, and to be honest, I didn’t want to look at your face knowing your eyes would no longer flutter open, and I would no longer be able to look into your green orbs.

I cried again that day. Heck, I cried every day since the day you left. But that day was much worse. When they were placing you inside the hole, I almost ran over to stop them, and it took Liam, Zayn, and Niall to hold me back. I had dropped to my knees crying my eyes out. I wasn’t able to stand strong at your funeral, and I am so sorry.

You must be disappointed in me. I know you’ve always thought of me as strong. But that’s only when I’m with you. Now that you’re gone, I don’t know what to do with myself.

It was a long service, and I embraced every single member of your family, apologizing and muttering incoherent words throughout all of my blubbering. Gemma and Anne held me the longest, and we sobbed into each other’s shoulders. I pulled away from Gemma, and stared at her a long while. I told her that the two of you looked a lot alike. She’s so beautiful Harry, and I promise to take care of her.

I promise to take care of your mother too. She had always been like a second mother to me anyways. When I hugged her, she whispered something in my ear that I will never forget, and I really hope she wasn’t lying to me.

“He loved you, you know.” She whispered, and pulled back with a small smile on her face. She walked away before I had a chance to reply, leaving me speechless, before I broke down sobbing again. Liam had to carry me out to the car, and I resisted. I didn’t want to leave you.

Day Fourteen:

I’d just like to say that I wasn’t willing to go to therapy. But the boys insisted that I go. I went, but I didn’t like it. The therapist poked and prodded me for information, asking me about how I felt and what my thoughts were. I didn’t like the invasion of privacy. My thoughts were meant to stay hidden, not to end up in here.

But now here I am, writing to you.

I can sometimes feel you, you know. It’s like you’re watching me. Instead of being scary, like I imagined it would be, it’s actually quite comforting.

Day Fifteen:

And now here I am, present day. Today, I feel… empty. But I guess that’s just what comes with losing the person you love, right? Sarah read over my journal last night—did I forget to tell you my therapists name is Sarah? Oh well, it is.

She seemed disappointed in me, but I couldn’t find myself to care. She told me to stop writing these entries, but I told her that it was actually helping me. In a way it is. I feel as if you’re here with me, reading everything I jot down on this page.

Right then, back to today. I didn’t do much to be quite honest. Niall came over, and we watched a couple movies to try and return back to the old days. Liam called me just to check up. Still no word from Zayn though, and I’m starting to worry our friendship will never patch up.

Day Sixteen:

People are saying that One Direction is over, and it’s really tearing me up inside. It’s only been a little over two weeks and already people are starting to talk. The boys and I are trying to get back to work, but it’s just too soon. We don’t think we can handle going up on stage or to the studio quite yet, knowing that we’re down a member, who isn’t coming back.

It’s not as if we’ve denied the rumors. In fact, I wouldn’t even consider us One Direction anymore either. With just the four of us it’s just Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan, Liam Payne, and Zayn Malik. You came up with the name Haz, so without you here it just feels wrong to call ourselves that.

I know you probably would want us to move on, and keep going with our career as a band. But it’s just so HARD.

Why can’t you just come back?

Day Seventeen-Twenty:

I’m sorry I forgot to write an entry the past few days. To be honest, I haven’t even left my bed. I’m just so TIRED. I guess you would understand, since you’re asleep for an eternity now. Was that rude to say? I don’t know. I don’t know what happens after you pass, but some have said it’s just a world of black you’re surrounded in. God, I sure hope you’re not sitting in blackness Harry, you deserve to sing with the angels.

I bet you’d sound pretty good harmonizing with them, I’ve always thought you had a voice like the angels. Maybe you could be my guardian angel and sing me to sleep sometime, okay?

Anyways, back to the previous days. As I said, I’ve just been so tired. I haven’t left my bed. All I have to accompany me is my laptop, which I don’t mind. There are tons to do online. But I try my best to avoid any social networking sites. I’m just not ready to face the real world quite yet.

Niall has stopped by quite a bit. I think he’s the most worried about me out of everyone. I used to be the one who always smiled, and always brightened everyone else’s day. Now that I’m no longer that person, Niall tries to be there. He tries to make me smile, and I appreciate the effort.

I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to smile again.

Day Twenty-One & Twenty-Two:

Liam stayed over the past two nights. He’s sleeping on the couch next to me now. It feels good to have somebody staying in the flat with me. When it’s just me, it feels so big and empty. I think I may have one of the boys sleep over more often. If that’s okay with you?

I just don’t want to feel alone anymore.

Zayn finally called me today. He apologized for blowing up on me. I was just glad to finally hear his voice directed towards me. I of course apologized for hiding the note. He stated that he totally understood my reasoning behind it. I think we may finally be heading towards peace.

Oh, I broke up with Eleanor a while ago. In case you wanted to know. The day I found you, actually. I just haven’t had the courage to write it down until now.

You should have just held on for one more day. Then you’d still be here with me. We could finally be happy.

Day Twenty-Three:

Therapy is absolute torture. I’m not getting any better. Sarah keeps telling me to give it up, and stop writing these entries because they’re not helping me. But I can’t stop. If I stop, I’ll feel as if I’m betraying you.

I can’t let you down again.

Day Twenty-Four:

Sarah asked me about the note today. I don’t know why she’s kept quiet for so long. When she asked I just couldn’t hold in the tears, but I reluctantly handed her the crumpled up piece of paper. Is it weird that I carry it around with me? It’s like a fire burning a hole in my pocket, reminding me of the pain everywhere I go, but I just can’t let it go. It’s one of the last remaining things I have of you.

Day Twenty-Five:

It’s been a while since I sang. But I sang today. We all did. It was our first day back at the studio, and let me just say that it sounds so different without your rocky voice mixed in with ours. We’ve had to change all of the songs. Niall and I have gotten most of your solos, but I just don’t feel right taking your parts.

I’ll never be able to sing them as well as you. Your voice was one in a million I swear. Whenever you sang the whole world just became a blur in my eyes, and all I could see was you. I’ve asked for a CD of all of our old recordings, but I know they won’t give it to me. Liam overheard me asking, so I know he told them not to.

But I still have YouTube available to me. Bless the internet. I’ve been listening to your voice all night, ranging from the X Factor performances up to our album. I’ll never get tired of hearing your voice, and it seems as though this is the only way I’ll be able to hear it anymore.

Day Twenty-Six:

I visited Cheshire today. I walked the streets for a long while, just inhaling the places you once walked into my senses, imagining that you were there with me, holding my hand.

After roaming the city, I reluctantly agreed with myself to visit your old home. When I arrived at the door, Anne welcomed me in with wide open arms, along with Gemma, who I struggled to pry off of me. I swear your sister has the upper body strength of a chimp.

We talked over tea, and I asked her how she was doing. They’re holding up the best they can Harry, but it’s hard for all of us. Don’t feel guilty though, they’ll pull through. It’s just me that I’m not so sure about. I’m the one who should be feeling guilty, and when I told her this, she refused to listen to me speak like that and that if I were going to put all of the blame on myself than I should leave.

I walked right out the door.

I don’t think she had expected me to leave, because I heard her calling my name through the front door, but I ignored her as I raced to my car.

I was crying so hard that I had to pull over on the highway, receiving blaring horns and cold stares as people passed by. But I didn’t see or hear any of it. All I could see was you. I could hear your voice talking to me, and that was enough to calm me down so I could drive the rest of the way home.

Day Twenty-Seven:

Today I spent the entire day in bed. I ignored every call and every text. Niall, Zayn, and Liam all came by at one point, pounding on my bedroom door telling me to open up and just talk to them. I began to feel guilty once again, putting them through so much pain. I just wish that the pain would stop.

Day Twenty-Eight:

When I emerged from my room this morning, I found Niall sleeping beside my doorway. He looked so tired and hopeless that I began to cry. I had done that to him. I had sucked the life from every single one of them. All because I was being selfish.

My crying then woke him up, and he gathered me into his arms. Niall gives great hugs, as you know, so I clutched onto him for a long time, not once hearing a complaint from him, or feeling him pull away. He cried along with me, and at that moment I felt closer to Niall than I ever had. I regret not giving him more attention before.

Day Twenty-Nine:

Tomorrow will be a whole month. An entire month since you’ve been gone and I find it hard to wrap my head around. It feels as though it was just yesterday you were full of life and laughing so hard you did that silly little clapping thing with your hands.

This is real, isn’t it?

Day Thirty:

Today the boys and I spent a day of silence in your honor, refusing to answer any calls or text, or even just talk to each other. It was pure silence. It wasn’t an uncomfortable one though; it actually felt a little nice. We lounged around yours and mine flat today, putting in your favorite movies to watch throughout the day. We all sat huddled together, grasping onto each other as we cried our eyes out. Sniffles echoed throughout the room and tissues were crumpled into piles surrounding us. We were a sorry sight to see.

But needless to say, that was the closest I had felt with them in a while.

Day Thirty-One:

I guess that up until now, I have had this thought in my mind that you were coming back, and that this was all one huge terrible nightmare I was having. I could wake up at any moment and you would be lying next to me, smiling like you did every morning.

But I’m starting to realize that you’re not going to come back.

Today I didn’t even know what to do with myself. I think the boys knew that I would want to be alone, so I wasn’t bothered with texts or phone calls, and nobody stopped by our flat to see if I was alright. I appreciated it, though it’s probably because they were mourning on their own as well.

I spent the entire day sitting in your favorite chair, staring blankly at the television as I drank the pain away. Three or maybe four beers max, and I was dropped on the floor and crying my eyes out. The pain of reality just sort of… hit me.

Day Thirty-Two:

I felt the rush today. It felt nice, and I watched in awe as the blood oozed out of my hand, the glass shards of the bedroom mirror shattered at my toes. I don’t know what had snapped in me, but I just couldn’t bear to look at my reflection any longer. So I punched it, harder than I have ever punched anything in my life.

The pains of the cuts were only temporary, and I soon felt a wave of ecstasy come over me. I liked the feel of controlling my own pain, instead of it being planted on me for once.

I was in the middle of dabbing the cuts clean when Liam walked in, saying he had heard a crash when suddenly he stopped, and stared at my hand. He stared at my hand and then the shattered mirror and then my face. I think it came off as a bit odd that I was smiling, but he immediately dragged me out of the bedroom, forcing me into his car and driving me off to the hospital.

Day Thirty-Three:

There’s a bandage around my hand now, and I don’t like it. I want to be able to see the scars, and trace my fingers along the creases I had made. To me they are beautiful, a wonderful symbol of my struggle of moving on from the past. But the boys just don’t understand.

They’ve been watching me nonstop, not allowing me to do anything myself or go anywhere myself. I’m becoming suffocated.

Day Thirty-Four:

I’m so hungry, but I can’t bear the thought of food. They try to make me eat, but it just won’t stay down. I’ve lost weight. A lot of it. Everyone’s noticed, and it’s hard to hide.

I also fainted today in the studio, and now people are becoming a bit worried. I’m fine though. I really truly am fine. I’m just not hungry.

Day Thirty-Five:

The boys and management haven’t allowed me to leave their sight within the last twenty-four hours, making sure I eat everything that’s on my plate and keep it down. It hurts my stomach and I don’t know how much longer I can take the pure torture of eating food. It tastes so bland and though my stomach rumbles for more I just can’t bear more than a mouthful.

Day Thirty-Six:

I’m not allowed to leave my apartment now, until I gain more weight. Management doesn’t want the press to gain any sight of my newly thin body, and create rumors which we all know are true. I’m not handling it well, and I think it’s become quite obvious by now.

The boys keep apologizing, saying that they should have paid more attention to my state the first month, and should have been there for me in my time of need. I told them I understood though, because they had to grieve as well.

I don’t need any babysitters. But it looks like I’m stuck with them from now on.

Day Thirty-Seven:

The itch to relieve my pain is growing stronger now than ever. The involuntary twitch in my hand to punch something made of glass is almost constant.

It’s impossible to give in to the craving though, when you have three pairs of eyes watching you at all times. The boys haven’t left my apartment for two days, and I have a feeling they’re not going to leave anytime soon.

Day Thirty-Eight:

The boys are forcing me to return back to therapy since they found out that I had been skipping sessions and ignoring Sarah’s calls. They say that it’s the best thing for me, and that I need help.

So here I am, writing this in the all too crowded office with Sarah staring intently at me. I can feel her eyes boring into me, and I’m almost afraid to look up.

She has been scolding me for the past hour, and when she finally stopped she told me to write, since I was refusing to stop. She thinks that writing these are bad for my health, because if I talk to you when you’re not really here, there’s no point in healing, she says.

But I don’t want to leave you behind. I just can’t do that. I love you, and I always will.

Nobody understands.

Day Thirty-Nine & Forty:

Sarah took my journal last night, so I wasn’t able to write down the day’s events before she grabbed it. But yesterday was pretty uneventful. I spent the day with Zayn and Niall, while Liam went to go visit Danielle. The three of us pretty much just chilled, and spent the whole day in silence.

They suggested going to the park, but aside from being forced to go to therapy, I just don’t think I can leave the house yet.

Today Niall found my journal, and when he asked what it was I simply snatched it out from his hands and hollered at him to leave it be. I know I should have been gentler… we’re all still in a pretty fragile state. I should have known that I had gone too far when he left the flat in tears, and Zayn arrived minutes later, only to scold me on my behavior.

“You need to grow up Lou, and move on from the past. We’re all torn up about it, but you don’t have to take your pain or frustration out on everyone else! You need help, Lou, and we’re trying to help you. But you won’t let us.” With that I had slammed the door in his face, because I was through listening to him lecture me on how to live my life.

I’ll let go when I’m ready.

Day Forty-One:

Zayn won’t talk to me again, and I’m starting to lose interest in being friends with anyone. People only like to hurt us, like I hurt you.

Day Forty-Two & Forty-Three:

I woke up with a headache yesterday morning, and I figure that I had just drunken too much the night before. I can’t remember a thing of what I did. When I left my room I found Liam reading the newspaper silently on the couch. When he heard I was awake, he looked up and smiled softly towards me, patting the spot beside him, beckoning me to come over.

I stayed put where I was, and he only sighed heavily before speaking.

“How are you feeling?” He asked.

I don’t know if it was the hangover talking, or if I just had forgotten. But like I said, it still feels so unreal to me. But I regret what I said next.

“Where’s Harry?”

The tears then came flowing through Liam’s eyes, and he sat on our couch crying his eyes out. I was going to ask him what was wrong, when it suddenly hit me. You were gone. I know that I’ve said it plenty of times before, but I had never believed it until now.

You’re really gone.

I then felt myself drop to the floor, all control in my body vanishing as I blacked out completely.

Now here I am, sitting in a hospital bed with wires attached inside me, pumping chemicals into my bloodstream as if I actually needed them. It’s not like I’m sick or anything, yet everyone keeps looking at me as if I am, and that at any moment I could break.

Day Forty-Four:

I saw my mother today, for the first time in a long time. I hadn’t contacted her since the funeral, and she had been so worried about me. I woke up to her crying with her hand to her mouth, as she overlooked my frail, thinning body.

I told her not to cry, and that I was just fine, which only made her cry harder. The doctors pushed her out of the room before she could reply, stating that I needed to rest.

No. I just need you back here with me.

Day Forty-Five:

I had a dream today, I saw your face. God Harry, I’m beginning to forget what you look like. Sure, I can look at pictures, but pictures don’t move, or laugh, or blink. They’re just captured memories. But my memories are beginning to fade. It may just be the chemicals pouring through my bloodstream from the various wires attached to me, but they’re just beginning to fade.

I can’t lose the remaining fragments I have of you.

When I awoke, I found Zayn sitting beside my bed, tears falling down his cheeks as he spoke softly to me. He hadn’t even realized I woke, and kept on speaking. I couldn’t hear him, but it didn’t matter.

Day Forty-Six:

I’m trying to keep my calm, I really am. This hospital is driving me crazy, yet they won’t let me leave. I keep insisting that I’m better, but they only reply that I’m way underweight and under too much stress. Being locked inside this room is stressing me out; I had never been as stressed as I am right now.

I’m just bored.

Will you please sing to me?

Day Forty-Seven:

Management suggested that I take a month long hiatus, and spend that time with my family and healing. But what they don’t understand is that these wounds will never heal. It’s not that I don’t want to see my family, I miss them like crazy.

But if I leave, who will take care of our home?

I just can’t leave our flat Haz, I can’t. I can’t let them touch it. I’m afraid that if I leave, they’ll remove every remnant of you, so when I return there is nothing left of you for me to have.

Day Forty-Eight:

So I reluctantly agreed to go along with the hiatus, after an hour of my mom sobbing to me, saying how much she missed me and wanted me home with her. They think it’s the best thing for me, to get away for a while.

So this is where I find myself, writing this entry while sitting next to an empty suitcase. Maybe I should bring your favorite beanie along with me, so I can fall asleep with you inside my arms—or, at least something that reminds me of you.

I hope you don’t mind if I borrow it.

Day Forty-Nine:

The train station is crowded and the noise keeps banging through my ears. People keep pushing me as Paul guides me along through the mass of people, while he tries to keep me out of the fans’ view at all times. I thank Paul for that, because I don’t want the fans to see me like this.

I’m wearing your old beanie, along with your old worn out sweats that you used to waltz around the flat in every morning. I’m tiny within the large sweatshirt that is engulfing my upper body, but I don’t care what I look like.

I’m leaving the flat—our flat. Our flat where we had made so many fond memories, ones that I’m beginning to forget with each passing day without you here with me. We could have made more, had you stayed longer.

And as I step onto the train, waving my final goodbyes to the city I have come to love, a single tear slips from my eye.

Day Fifty:

After a short train ride home yesterday, and the unpacking of my things, I have finally settled into my old child-like bedroom. My mother hasn’t let me out of her sight, and I’m beginning to feel as suffocated as I was with the boys crowding my breathing space.

I love my mom, I really do, but I just need to be alone.

The girls are glad to have me back, and they woke me up this morning by piling on top of me and tickling me awake. It was the first time I had laughed in a while.

This might be good for me.

Day Fifty-One – Day Seventy:

Yes, I know this is a lot of days to squeeze into one tiny entry… but I don’t want to bore you with every single day I spent mucking around with my little sisters and my mother and stepfather.

Because really, each day was basically spent in the same way.

I would wake up to Phoebe or Daisy pulling at every strand of my hair, giggling at me to wake up, and that breakfast was ready. Politely, I always declined, causing them to slip away in disappointment. Sleep would capture me for only a little while longer, before mother would burst into my room, a plate full of food in her hands. She would sit at the edge of my bed until I finally scarfed every last bit of food from the plate, and she would quietly leave the room with a smile on her face. I guess it felt good making her smile, but after every meal I ate I felt sluggish, and that only made me want to sleep more. Of course, that wasn’t allowed, and by eleven o’clock I was always dragged away from the comfort of my sheets out to the park or the store or some other place the girls wanted to go. They would play and chatter gleefully as I walked solemnly along them, wondering what I would be doing if you were walking beside me, holding my hand and taking me from my misery. It’s not that I don’t like taking care of the girls, it’s just that after a while—and you know this—they become quite a handful.

My family misses you too, you know. There have been some—very few, but some—discussions about you. Mom won’t talk about you for more than a couple minutes though, as she thinks that talking about you will only hurt me. But to be honest, I feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders whenever I speak your name. Yet at the same time, it hurts. I don’t know quite how to explain it, that’s just the way it is.

Mark came up to me one day, asking how I was feeling. I told him I was well like I did to everyone else, but for some reason he didn’t seem to go along with my façade as everyone else did. We sat for a while, just talking about anything and everything until he made sure I was feeling better again. And to be honest, for a little while I did begin to feel better. But of course, good feelings never seem to last. Especially when you have a nest of guilt tucked away into your heart.

The girls have noticed the change in me, and I feel horrible. I’m hurting everyone around me and I hate it. When they notice my sour mood, at first they had tried to make me smile and laugh, but now they just walk away slowly, as if they’re unsure of how to even handle me anymore. I guess I don’t blame them… I don’t even know how to handle myself.

I gained weight and am finally healthy again, and everyone’s happy about that. But I still feel empty inside. The weight gain has only added to the weight set on my shoulders.

I don’t know if this is telling you much of how those days went, but like I said, they were quite uneventful. The pain had subsided for a couple days, only to return once again.

Needless to say, it didn’t help as much as everyone thought it would.

Day Seventy-One:

I’m on the train back to London now, and let me just say that I’m nervous. More nervous than I ever have been. More nervous than I was before our first performance, where you whispered encouraging words into my ear before we went on up to stage. You smiled at me reassuringly before the song started, and after that I felt as if I were soaring.

It’s sad to think that I’ll never be able to perform with you again, or snuggle up close with you in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep, or come to you when I just need a hug. I’m scared to return to the flat.

What if they’ve changed it?

I’m home now, sitting in your room actually. It’s left exactly the way it was. I am so relieved right now I can’t even explain it.

I’m just glad I won’t have to sleep without a bit of you here with me.

Day Seventy-Two:

The boys came over today. It was the first time seeing them in basically a month. They must have expected more… maybe a happier version of myself—like I was before. Well, newsflash for them, I will never be that Louis again. I know that for a fact now.

You took a chunk of me with you, Harry. I’m only a part of what I was before. Now I’m broken, torn apart inside.

Niall and Liam hugged me tightly for a while, crying tears of happiness and relief to see that I had gained weight. They claim to be happy that I was back, but I don’t think they were. I’m not the Louis they know or love, I’m a stranger. As for Zayn, he just stood back for a while as he waited for the other two to finish welcoming me home. When they were through he hugged me as well. I think he may have cried the hardest.

Day Seventy-Three:

I emerged from the flat this morning, in just a bathrobe and slippers. The sun was shining harshly in my eyes, and I frowned in distaste. All I needed was some milk for my cereal, but of course, nothing always goes as planned.

At the sight of me, about four or five girls began to squeal, instantly ushering themselves closer to me. I really wasn’t in the mood, but I put on the show. You know how that goes. They began to chatter excitedly to me, talking about absolutely nothing that mattered to me, and I forced a tight grin on my face.

Suddenly they became quiet as they took in my appearance, and one slowly stepped forward to give me a small hug. Though it may have just been an excuse to touch me, I appreciated the girl’s gesture. I didn’t mean to, but I began to cry in her arms. She only stood there, holding me until my cries ceased to sniffling and backed away to wipe my tears.

“We all loved him, you know. You two loved each other though, and that was obvious. He loved you so much Lou, don’t forget that. Don’t you ever forget that.” She had whispered, and squeezed me one last time before walking away.

She hadn’t even asked for an autograph or a picture, and that’s when I realized: our fans truly do care. It’s not just about the fact that we’re famous, or “cute”.

I realized a lot today.

But one huge thing in particular that I feel the need to share with you is that I realized I can’t live without you.

Day Seventy-Four:

I tried to fight the urge, but it had been calling me for quite a while. I punched another mirror today, with my good hand of course. The sight of the crimson liquid seeping through the newly created cracks in my skin fascinated me, and I let myself sit there and bleed myself dry until I felt nothing but numb.

There was no pain, only a lingering calmness sweeping through me until I let myself drift off into unconsciousness.

Day Seventy-Five:

I just realized that it’s been over two months without you, and that only makes this more real. I’m nothing but an empty shell now. I live with no purpose and I have nothing left to give to this world.

The pain is never-ending.

Day Seventy-Six:

I pulled out your note again today. It was tucked away to the back of my bedside drawer, in my own attempt to hide it away from myself. But I just had to see your handwriting, and read the words printed on the page that I know by heart, words which I could recite in my sleep.

I feel guilty now more than ever, as the pang of guilt is beginning to seep through my soul once more. It’s never left, but re-reading your note has hurt me in ways I had never imagined were possible until now.

Eleanor is long gone; she’s out of the picture. I haven’t called her back ever since I ended things. I can’t believe it took you being gone for me to realize she wasn’t what I wanted. You could have just told me. I would have dumped her right then and there.

I should have told you, I guess, but I wasn’t aware of those feelings at the moment. All I can do is blame myself though. It’s my fault and it always will be.

Day Seventy-Seven:

I ran into Anne today. I don’t know what she was doing in London, and I didn’t ask, but when she saw me she instantly fell into my arms, sobbing her poor little heart out into my chest.

“It hurts more each time I see it.” She whispered into my ear, and pulled away before I could reply. I stood dumbfounded on the street in a sea of people, staring with my mouth agape at the disappearing figure of your mother.

I just assumed she was talking about your grave.

Day Seventy-Eight:

I didn’t visit your grave yesterday because I was just too scared. I just now realized that I hadn’t visited you once since the funeral, and the guilt is eating away at me now more than ever.

I feel terrible. I feel completely, utterly terrible. I’ve been so selfish. I’ve always been so selfish. I’ve always thought about myself instead of you.

So now here I am, sitting before your grave with tears running down my face. The flowers are fresh, and there are dozens of them Haz. People love you. I brought a single rose; I sure hope it’s enough. I didn’t want to crowd the place, but seeing all of these different flowers makes mine look pathetic.

I gave it to you anyways. I set it right in front. I plan on staying here a while, so I have a couple blankets with me and a bottle of wine. Red. That’s always been your favorite. Right Harry?

Day Seventy-Eight:

I woke up still sitting before your grave today, only to realize that I had gotten myself drunk last night, and passed out in the grass.

You must be ashamed of me.

Day Seventy-Nine:

I think it’s going to be a daily routine, visiting your grave. I promise to bring a rose every day, just so I can at least compare somewhat to all of these beautiful flowers surrounding you. There are daisies and lilies, you always loved lilies.

I sat and sang to you today; I hope you heard it wherever you are. I know how much you love that song. It brings the memories flooding back to me, and I remember that day at the judge’s house when you sang your heart out just to impress them. I’ll never forget your voice in that song, or your voice in any song for that matter.

But I sang it for another reason, Harry.

I’m torn. I really am. I don’t know what to do… and I just want you to send me something, anything at all. I need a sign telling me if I’m making the right decision or not.

Day Eighty & Eight-One:

I’m sorry I didn’t visit you yesterday. Niall, Liam, and Zayn seemed to have different plans, and dragged me along to the beach.

It’s not warm enough out yet, but they seemed to think that it’d be a good time regardless of what the weather was like. Truth be told, I hated it. While they ran across the sand kicking a football around, I sat up in the grass, watching the waves roll over the coast and thrash against the rocks.

It was so peaceful and tranquil. I had almost lost myself in the scene when I heard a voice. Your voice to be exact. I could feel your presence beside me, as you slung your arm around my shoulder. When I looked over, you were smiling widely towards me, grinning the grin that had always caused my heart to stutter.

“I love the beach Lou, isn’t it beautiful?”

By then I was so overwhelmed I wasn’t able to answer, and the tears overcame my ability to speak or even move quickly. The boys immediately noticed and rushed to my side, carrying me away as I yelled your name, begging you to come back.

Today I am confined to spending the whole day with Zayn, who had gently offered to take me under his wing for the night. I declined, but after a lot of insisting and pleading, stating that it was of my best interest, I gave in angrily.

We did nothing really, just sat and talked about everything. He wouldn’t even let me talk about you though, and it hurt me. I’m still so sorry I couldn’t come.

Day Eighty-Two:

I swore I heard you singing today. In the middle of my showering, I could hear the faint hum of your voice singing along with the song blaring through the speakers. The voice was so beautiful and alluring, I found myself instantly becoming entranced within it. I knew it was your voice the second I heard it.

You sound so beautiful Harry. You truly sound like an angel now.

I visited your grave finally again today, with three roses this time, for the two days that I missed. When I sang, I could hear the echoing chorus of your own voice melodizing with my own. I sang “Moments” just for you, because I know how much you liked that song. I remember one time you teared up while performing it, and had to wipe the tears away as you continued.

Day Eighty-Three:

The boys think I’m getting better. They think I’m moving on. But the truth is that they don’t know how I’ve been hearing your voice sing me to sleep every night.

Day Eighty-Four:

I saw you in my dreams last night. You were on stage, which isn’t surprising because you had always told me that’s where you loved to be the most. You looked at me and smiled, beckoning me to come closer.

When you took hold on my hands, it felt as if you were real… and I never wanted to let go. I never wanted the moment to end. Your mouth leaned down to brush against the shell of my ear, and I immediately felt the shivers running down my spine.

“Come with me.” You whispered, and pulled back only a short amount of time before crashing your lips against mine.

It was the most perfect kiss I had ever had. Yet it wasn’t real.

So when I woke up only to find you not there beside me, I began to cry.

Day Eighty-Five:

I ran into Eleanor today. She’s been doing well, not that that’s surprising. She had always been kind of selfish, and I can’t believe it took me this long to realize. She asked me how I was doing, though I doubt she could have cared less. Then, she began to talk about you.

I couldn’t bear to hear her speak your name, so I left without a single word.

Day Eighty-Six – Eighty-Eight:

I slept for these three days. There’s not much I can say about them. All I can say is that it felt good to see you, and that’s why I found it so hard to wake up. That’s why I continued to sleep.

I just wanted to see you and hear you.

Day Eighty-Nine:

Liam called me today, asking if I wanted to grab something to eat. My stomach gurgled in response, so I agreed. I guess it was just an excuse to stop torturing myself with the dreams that I had been having…

We passed the graveyard on the way to the restaurant, and I asked the driver to pull over quickly. Liam gave me a strange look, before following my rushing body through the door and towards your grave. I had never visited your grave with anyone else, so I wasn’t quite able to do the usual routine.

I’m sorry.

But I did manage to sing to you, along with Liam. Our voices echoed throughout the graveyard, bouncing from tombstone to tombstone, sending our voices flying through the area. I hope you liked our song. But I do miss singing to you with just me around, so I think I’ll stick to visiting you alone.

By the way, the food at the restaurant was good, and I’m finally regaining my appetite. Not that it matters.

Day Ninety:

Today I visited my mother, right after I visited you of course. I spent the entire day lounging around the house, playing with the girls and catching up with mum and Mark.

It felt nice to be with the family again, and it hurt that I had to leave them soon.

When I pecked mum on the cheek, baring my farewell to her, she held me close to her. She didn’t want me to leave, and she made that clear when she began begging me to stay for the night, which I agreed to.

I guess I might as well have the decency to spend more time with my family before I leave.

Day Ninety-One:

I spent today at the park, sitting on the benches reading my journal while the girls played on the playground.

I’ve written a lot Harry, but it’s not enough. It’s never going to be enough.

After taking the girls out for ice cream, and spending a couple hours with mum outside by the fire we had started, I said my final goodbyes.

I held them so tightly in my arms, I swear they couldn’t breathe. I hugged them with all of the strength I had, letting them know how much I loved them. I kissed my mother on the cheek, telling her how much I loved her as well as the girls. I even hugged Mark as well. When he told me to come around again soon, I could feel the tears begin to start, and hastily made my way towards the car.

It was the last time I would ever be seeing them.

Day Ninety-Two:

I made peace with Eleanor today. I know how much you didn’t like her, and she’s part of the reason you left, but I just couldn’t bear to leave without making sure every bridge I had burned was built back again.

Day Ninety-Three:

I spent the day at the studio with the boys, singing my heart out into the microphone to the new songs for the album. I felt a bit bad, because when I left they would be forced to create new recordings once again.

I visited your grave once again, setting two roses at the foot of your headstone.

Day Ninety-Four:

Niall, Zayn, and Liam have insisted we try sight-seeing today. It’s crazy to think, that all this time I’ve lived in London, I’ve never seen half of the sights located within the city.

So today was spent with the boys again, hopping from tourist attraction to tourist attraction, taking various pictures with each other in front of the landmarks, as well as with some fans who happened to spot us.

I didn’t mind it this time really, because the last of my days were meant to be well spent.

Day Ninety-Five:

Where’d you go? You weren’t in my dreams last night, and you didn’t sing with me when I sang to your grave.

I’m starting to feel lonely again.

Day Ninety-Six:

I stopped by the store on the way home from the studio, making sure that none of the boys followed me in. I grabbed a large bottle of pills and bought them, without as much as a second glance from the cashier.

I’m going the same way as you did Harry, I owe you that much.

Day Ninety-Seven:

The urge to take the pills is there, but I’m not through living the last of my days yet. Today I called everyone I know, and told them how much I loved them. Most questioned it, but I assured them that it was just because I was feeling lovey. Of course, they believed me.

Today Niall, Liam, and Zayn came over. We sat around my laptop and watched X Factor videos, along with taped performances of all of us. We laughed and we cried. I looked around at the three of them, and began to convince them how much I loved them.

I don’t want to lose them, I really don’t. And I know, I know how hard it will be on them when I go. But I’m ready. I can’t stand to live anymore without you here.

Day Ninety-Eight:

I visited Twitter for the first time in ages, only to find my mentions flooded and the fans freaking out all over my timeline. They’re worried about me, and it’s hard to read all of the heartfelt messages they’ve left me, only to realize that by tomorrow I’ll be gone.

I send one last tweet, faking my happiness but meaning every word said:

Sorry I haven’t been on Twitter loves .. but I love you all, don’t ever forget that! Xx

Almost instantly my Twitter was being flooded with relieved mentions and replies to my post, asking where the hell I’ve been. But I only ignored them, and instead shut off my laptop, allowing myself to take a final good night’s sleep.

Day Ninety-Nine:

I visited your grave one last time. I left a couple more roses in apologies for my absence the last couple days, but that shouldn’t matter within a couple of hours. I sang one last song to you, your all time favorite song, and I could finally hear you singing along with me. Your voice sounded closer now, and I knew that it was time.

I’m going to take the entire bottle of pills, and lock myself in your bedroom. I’m going to wear all of your clothes, so I can inhale the dissipating smell of you as I take my final breaths.

Ninety-nine days without you has felt like an eternity, and it’s impossible to stay here any longer.

I have your journal and note in my trembling hands right now, and I’m nervous as fuck Harry, I hope you know that. I’m leaving these here with you, so they can be found easily once I’m gone. They were yours to begin with.

My heart is poured out into this journal, and my heart is yours.

I’ll be seeing you soon, I love you.

-Lou xx

Some say that love is the most powerful emotion a person can feel. It overtakes every fiber in your being, weaving its way through your soul and killing you from the inside out. It deteriorates your common sense, causing you to do stupid things all in the name of love.

That’s what they theorized.

When they found Louis’ cold, unmoving body covered in Harry’s duvet, wearing Harry’s old clothes, it was the only explanation at the time.

It had all been in the name of love.

When the paramedics arrived, it was too late, and he was gone. Niall, Liam, and Zayn had lost yet another friend. They stood there crying into one another over the loss of one of their best friend’s.

Louis stared down at them, a sad smile stretched across his lips as he witnessed his body being pulled off from the bed, and out away from the flat. He watched as the boys dropped to the floor, crying their hearts out. He couldn’t help but want to reach out and comfort them, but knew it wasn’t possible.

They began to blame themselves, saying that they hadn’t been there for him enough, which only led Louis to stare at them in frustration.

He was happy now, and he wanted them to be happy for him.

Louis felt a hand pull at his shoulder, and turned around to face a pair of green eyes—blinking, moving, everything. He smiled at the boy before him, who stood smiling widely back. Tears were brimming the two boys eyes as they turned back to face their best friends, whom they had hurt so badly in their fight for love.

“You ready?” Harry asked, turning Louis’ attention back on him. Louis only nodded, and Harry took ahold of his hand, leading him far away and into his new life.

“I love you.” Louis whispered, leaning over to peck Harry across the lips.

“I love you too.”

So the two walked off into the light, holding hands and singing softly along with the angels calling their names, and singing their perfect lullaby. Louis looked over to view Harry, the boy whom he had loved for so long and had caused so much pain in their previous life.

Now they had a new life, one they could spend together forever, singing with the angels.

Harry's note

Dear Lou,

At first I was going to write something short and quick, getting straight to the point, you know? Well, that plan basically failed, because there are so many things I want to tell you. There are so many things that I have left unsaid and this is my last chance to say them. I realize that by the time you get this you probably will have already found me, and you’re probably sitting alone in the flat at this moment.

I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.

I don’t want to leave you, I really don’t. How does one just get up and leave the person that they are completely in love with? Yes Louis, you read correctly. I love you, you idiot. I’ve loved you for so long and it has slowly been eating away at me, tearing me apart from the seams until now I am just an empty shell burning with a passion for somebody who is completely oblivious. It’s not your fault though. God Lou, don’t you ever blame yourself. You were the reason I stayed for so long. You gave me hope for a brighter future, but a glimmer of hope can only last so long before it completely disappears, and soon enough I was left in the darkness.

I don’t want to say my goodbyes yet, though I bet you’ve already bid your farewell to me. I’m not ready to end this note. You need to know how much I love you.

Do you know what I love about you the most Louis? Well, I absolutely love your laugh. I think that’s what I may miss the most in this path I’m heading. I won’t be able to hear your ringing voice anymore, or see the light twinkle inside your eyes as you burst into laughter. I’m not sure I’ll be able to see or hear anything.

I need you to promise me one thing, okay? I want you to promise me to never stop singing, and never leave the boys. They’re going to need you, and you’re going to need them. I know it’ll be hard to go on as a band, but I know you can do it. You’re strong enough Lou, you’ve always been strong to me. I feel completely selfish, leaving you lot, and I sincerely apologize for the pain I will—or have already caused you.

Tell the boys I love them too, alright?

Anyways, back to business.

Another thing I love about you is your ability to turn any situation into a positive one. It could be the dreariest day on Earth, and I would still be able to see your smile glimmering against the gray atmosphere of the outside world. God I love your smile, please keep smiling?

I remember one time in Italy, we were at a restaurant and there was this short little blond lady—I bet you’re thinking of the memory right now, aren’t you? She walked up to our table with the worst scowl on her face, looking absolutely pissed off that she had to serve us five loud, obnoxious boys. When she arrived at the table, you turned to look at her with your winning smile, and it was almost as if her frown melted right off. You have that much of an effect on people, Lou. I’ve always loved how much of a people person you are.

I sure know that whenever I was ever feeling down, you were the first person I went to. You always knew how to make everything better, and I would leave you with the brightest grin on my face. You wouldn’t leave me be until I was truthfully happy again. That’s another thing I love: your persistence.

I’m going to miss everything about you, you know. The slight stubble on the tip of your chin when you go a couple days without shaving, the way your hair splays in various directions in the morning—giving you awful bedhead. But I love it nonetheless, because it’s a part of you, and every part of you deserves to be loved.

I miss the old days, where you and I would just muck around in the flat, watching movies or simply cuddling on the couch, talking about everything and nothing. You’re my best friend, you know that right?

This note is completely all over the place, and I’m sorry. My brain is just isn’t functioning right now, probably because of how completely frightened I am. I’m so scared Lou, and I just wish I could run to you right now, telling you everything. I wish I could run to you and you would tell me the words I ache to hear come from your mouth. I want you to tell me to not do this, and not leave you behind. But I can’t do that to you. I can’t put the burden on your shoulders. I know if you knew, you would do everything to keep me here, but I can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do.

I guess now I should probably tell you exactly why I’m leaving. It’s quite a difficult thing to describe I guess, the feeling of your heart slowly shattering inside your chest. It all started about a year ago, when you announced that you had asked Eleanor out, and the two of you were officially dating. At that moment, I swore there was a large cracking sound right where my heart was supposed to be, and I knew then that I loved you. I guess I had known it for a long time, but I just hadn’t been honest with myself. Eleanor helped me realize how much I really love you, so I guess I should thank her for that. But then again, she is part of the reason why I’m leaving. I like her, but at the same time, I absolutely despise her.

Do you know what it’s like to sit back and watch the person you love, loving somebody else? It’s absolute hell, I’ll tell you that. It’s torture. Every time she comes around, I feel as though I’ve been kicked in the chest a million times repeatedly, and my head throbs erratically. It’s not that I don’t like her, she’s a lovely girl Lou, and I’m glad you have somebody like her to love. Maybe it’s simply my jealousy speaking, but I feel as though I could treat you better. I’ve always been here for you, through the bad and good and everything in between, I was there.

I guess what I’m trying to say is—she doesn’t love you as much as you think she does, and it hurts to see. I see the way you look at her, and it’s not hard to tell that you’re completely in love. But with her, it’s just… not there. She loves you; don’t get me wrong, but not as strongly as you’d like her to.

As for me, my love for you is so strong, it’s slowly killing me inside.

God, this sounds conceited or selfish in a way… doesn’t it? That’s the last thing I wanted, really. I’m happy for you. Truly. She’s just not right for you, and maybe one day you’ll realize that maybe you loved me too. But I just can’t stay here any longer and watch you love her, while I’m slowly pushed into the shadows.

What other reasons are there, you ask? Well, to be honest I’m just through with living. I’ve never been the happiest lad, and it’s sort of just a condition I’ve grown up with. Honestly, I’m surprised I lasted this long living. You were the sun in my life, brightening up my world with just your existence. I guess that’s why I stayed as long as I did. Well, that and the band.

Did I already tell you to tell the boys how much I love them?

Make sure to tell Niall to keep his head held  high… you know how he can get sometimes. If other people are feeling down, it immediately rubs off on him, so try and smile for him, for me? Also, tell him to just keep being Niall. I love that boy; he’s the most carefree guy I’ve ever met. Oh, and let him know how much I’ll miss his laugh, and how you could hear him coming before you could even see him. Tell him to keep being Irish too, though I doubt that’s possible to change… just though I’d lighten the mood a bit.

As for Zayn, tell him to take care of himself. He gets pretty reckless when he’s upset or anything, so take care of him, okay? Take the booze away; just take anything away that he would be able to hurt himself with. Maybe threaten taking his mirror away, I don’t know. Tell him I love him, and that he’s always been like a brother to me. All of the boys have.

Finally, Liam. He’s got his head on pretty tight, so I know he won’t lose himself too much. I hope none of you ever lose yourselves, but I know he’ll be able to hang on and round you all up if it becomes too hectic. I’ve always admired that about him, his ability to remain steady through the rocky times.

Just tell them I love them, alright?

And then there’s you. Louis William Tomlinson. The name just sends shivers down my spine, along with the image of you that’s burning in my mind at this moment. It hurts to know that out of everyone, you’ll probably take this the hardest. I hate the fact that I’m the one that’s hurting you. Though I will be gone soon, just know that I will never leave you. Okay Lou? I will NEVER leave you. I made that promise a long time ago and I will stick to that promise forever. I may not be here physically for you, but I’ll always be with you in your heart.

Whenever you need me, I’ll be there with you. And I’ll be waiting for you in my next life, for the day that you finally join me—which I hope is a long time from now. You deserve a long, happy life. Though I’ll miss you, I don’t want you to leave until you’ve lived your life completely. I’ll still be here when you decide it’s your time… but as for me, my time’s up.

You’re probably on the verge of waking up now, which gives me limited time to get things done. I’m sitting on the cold bathroom floor right now, shivering in just my boxers as I write this note. I’m sorry for the tears stains, I never meant for there to be any evidence of my cries. The bottle of pills is in my hand.

I really don’t want to explain the process I’m about to go through, but I just want you to know that I’m not going painfully. I have a large bottle of painkillers, and I’m going to take the entire thing. It’s the most peaceful and least messy scenario my mind could think of, and I sure hope it’s enough.

I’m sure this note is pretty long by now… but there’s just one last thing I want you to do for me, though I’ve asked for so much already.

Please take care of my mother and Gemma. They’re going to need somebody there for them. I know you think of them as second family, so it shouldn’t be hard to keep in touch just because I’m gone, right?

Anyways, I just took the whole bottle. The pills slid down my throat easily, just as I thought they would. Shit, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have written that. I said I didn’t want you to know the process, but I guess it wouldn’t hurt to tell you.

I’m beginning to feel woozy, and my eyesight is getting fuzzy. It’s hard to stand up. I’m scared Louis. I know it was my decision, and it’s too late to turn back now, but I’m still so scared. My body’s beginning to go numb, and I find myself unable to write steadily for very long.

So I guess this is where I leave you. I’m placing this note in the bottom left drawer in the bathroom, though I guess you don’t need directions because that is where you’ll find it. I don’t know if that made sense, my mind is beginning to slow down.

I love you Boo Bear, I love you so fucking much. Don’t you ever forget that. Don’t you dare forget. I’ll be seeing you later okay?



I can't love drugs more than this..

Kiss me slowly<3

Träningen igår va.. Jobbig.. Sprang 11 varv, typ 3 km skulle jag tro.. Gjorde 120 situps och 60 armhävningar och två timmar is på det.. Trodde aldrig mina knän skulle klara av att springa, men jag sprang alla varv och började få ont sista varvet.. Lite stolt är jag allt..(:
Idag har jag vart hos tandläkaren i Halmstad.. Slipade bort min framtand... Bedövad upp till näsan.. Men nu har jag en ful provisorisk tand, som jag ska ha fram till den 23e.. Kul. Nu har jag en ananassorbet och osötad hasselnötsglass i handen(: Och är påväg till Ullared en sväng innan jag ska åka och fixa min klänning! Ikväll är det träning igen!(: puss

They call him love♥

.... Haha
Nu ska jag träna! :D


Skinny love♥

Idag har jag gått i skolan, inte så kul, hade dock bara två lektioner så 12:40 slutade jag och tog min lilla bil hem, eftersom jag var helt säker på att det skulle regna under dagen och jag vägrade cykla hem i regn.. Väl hemma gjorde jag inte så mycket, städade och åt mat innan jag åkte och jobbade, för att Deli har brutit revbenen och jag va tvungen att hoppa in
Såg precis att detta aldrig blev publicerat igår.... jaja.. Glöm det jag sa..
Det blev inte mycket till städande, städade halva rummet bara.. men nu ska jag byta lakan innan jag sover!
Kollade en stund på Sherlock holmes 2 innan pappa somnade.. Nu har jag också letat balfrissa.. Att det ska vara så svårt att hitta något man gillar..
Imon är det lön! NICE! Måste köpa balskor och massa annat innan balen! Längtar tills jag får ta av mig plasten imon och få se min tatuering på riktigt(: Hoppas den är fin.. Och inte skev eller något.. Blev, under loppet av en timma, svinsvullen där min ena visdomstand skall upp... hoppas inte det är något fuffens.. Får fråga tandläkarna i Halmstad på torsdag.. Undrar när galna glassen öppnar..
Kul att jag gjorde sönder min syskontattoo precis.. nu måste jag vänta fyra veckor på att fylla i den.. suuuuuck

I just haven't met you yet♥

Kom på att jag inte lagt ut denna fina låt av Nick♥ Saknar deras musik♥

The good life passes by♥

Idag har jag vart i skolan, inte jobbat alltför mycket.. Åkt och tatuerat mig.. Gjorde inte alls ont :D Bara där skin övergår till ben.. Där gjorde de lite ont.. Annars var det som att ta en spruta! Var heelt speedad av allt socker, och det är jag förmodligen fortfarande.. Därav alla konstiga gifs jag lagt upp idag.. Har lite ont bakom örat nu dock.. Och jag fruktar vad helen ska säga imon... Hon kommer döda mig.. YOLO!(;
Jag har vart hos Sofia en stund och gjort balförslag! Blir nog halvuppsat, det värsta Sofia vet, men de blir nog fint till min klänning♥ Jag kommer va så jävla extrem på balen.. Jag ska alltid vara värst.. Utan att själv tänka på det.. herregud..
Idag skulle jag egentligen jobbat för Deli igen, men jag slapp och det gjorde Sofia och Sandra!(: Så nu ska jag städa mitt rum.. Och inte göra så mycket av min kväll.. Som vanligt då.. IMON SKA JAG TRÄNA IGEN:D::D:D:D:D:DDD -Socker.

Life in motion♥

Bara för att Ovve gillar mina gifs, för att jag glömde lägga till denna första i förra inlägget (orkar inte lägga till den nu..) och bara för att det är allmänt roliga/mysiga gifs(: Och ja.. Det är nästan bara 1D gifs..
Zayn som tar kort på sig själv, Harry och louis som ler♥, "We're One Direction", Harry som...
Who am I kidding, detta är some of my favourites.... Haha♥


Jag har längtat efter detta sen fucking 2008! Today's the day........ :D:D:DD:D:D:DD::D:D AAAAAAAAH :D:D:D

Det ligger gifs högt och lågt, höger till vänster, men I couldn't care less right now.

One less lonely girl♥

Det är inte normalt att ha såhär mycket energi... Kan ha med allt socker jag ätit idag... Men nu är jag tatuerad iallafall! :D

Hot girls we have problems too..

Idag har jag gått i skolan, inte så kul, hade dock bara två lektioner så 12:40 slutade jag och tog min lilla bil hem, eftersom jag var helt säker på att det skulle regna under dagen och jag vägrade cykla hem i regn.. Väl hemma gjorde jag inte så mycket, städade och åt mat innan jag åkte och jobbade, för att Deli har brutit revbenen och jag va tvungen att hoppa in! Nu har jag ätit pannkakor och ska kolla på Bigbrother innan läggdags!
De va lite skoj, tänkte "jag har aldrig hört Boyfriend på radion.." en kvart senare spelades den.. Whopwhop.
Sen spelade dom torn också.. Gissa vilka jag tänkte på.. (:
Imon är det dags igen! Tatuering!(: Och denna gången vägrar jag att svimma! Ska äta socker hela dagen, dricka cola och sånt äckligt.. Har en halv marabou jordgubb, en kinder bueno och självklart ett paket dextro med mig! :D

Le tattoo esta itching..
Jag har fem kronor på mitt kort..
Jag kan inte följa med på fest på valborg..
Jag har inte hittat några balskor jag kan ha på mig..
Jag har fortfarande slösat 1700 på ett par skor ingen vill köpa..
Dock är det bara 43 dagar till studenten och 57 till Alanya! :D Nu kör vi!

Seriöst värre än Friday...

Trodde inte det va möjligt.. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


One Direction kommer till Liseberg i Juli... Min dröm går i uppfyllelse.. Literally.. HERREGUD. JAG DÖR HÄR BORTA! AJDAFDSASJIHEALGOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Seriöst. Jag ska köa. HELA dagen. Och jag vet att Ovve är med mig!
MEN, de som är mest over the top, är att man kan vinna backstage pass. JAG SKA HA ETT BACKSTAGE PASS OM DET SÅ ÄR DET SISTA JAG FÅÅÅÅÅÅR!!!! Jag sitter på riktigt och skakar..

Don't be scared, I ain't going nowhere♥

Gårdagens tacokväll med nästan alla tjejer i klassen blev lyckad! Det va as nice(: Massa skitsnack och god mat(:
Åkte hem en stund efter tolv och jag satt vid datan en stund innan jag gick och la mig.. Sofia ringde vid tjugo över tre, efter som jag skulle hämta henne på stationen... Dumt kan man tycka och jag ville helst somna om.. Men jag är fattig och behövde den käcka slant min syster så snällt gav mig(y' (: Sen åkte jag hem, och kastade mig i sängen.. Vaknade vid 10.15, en timma för sent, och åkte och jobbade 11-16! Sen åkte jag och mamma och handlade lite käcka grejjor, och sen bakade jag med de där käcka grejjorna.. Bakade Chocolate chip cookie dough cupcakes! (:
Har lagt kakorna i frysen och ska baka dom imon bitti, för klockan 11 ska vi ha släkt kalas/frukost hos Sofia! Och det ska vara efterrätten! Hoppas de blir gott.... Annars har jag inte gjort så mycket idag.. Min tatuering kliar något förbaskat.. Nu ska jag gå och lägga ner chocolate chip cookiesarna som blev över i en burk innan jag ska sova! Puss♥
Att jag inte dog.. Hahaha!

Oh how I wish that was real..♥

Skulle lagt upp detta den 8onde.. men har vart upptagen och glömt det sen dess.. Men här kommer de!

Kollade på iCarly idag, iGo One Direction..(: Freddie: "Can he stand?" Louis: "Okey, let's try.." tänker "that's what she said.." och ler stort till Zayn som ler lika stort.. Your dirty minded little boys.. (;
Okej; min fina dröm, som va finare den 8onde.. men jag kom ihåg den, and I still do, så jag lägger upp den((:
Jag, Ovve och Louise åkte till liseberg, två dagar efter sommarpremiären. Det var fullt med folk, och när jag kom fram till kassan för att gå in, tappade dom bort mitt lisebers kort, irrelevant to the story... Gick runt lite.. Tappade bort ovve.. Louise gick till några vänner som jobbade i ett litet stånd..(6767) Gick förbi storascenen och såg att det va massa stolar där och de skulle va något i stil med lotta engberg bingolotto grejjen.. Fast de va en kille som var programledare.. Jag sa, helt random; "skulle One Direction komma hit ikväll, skulle jag kunna vänta på dom, från nu (vi va där när dom öppnade) tills programmet skulle börja, och de skulle vara typ 20 timmar eller något tydligen..
Men jag hade ingen aning om att 1D verkligen skulle vara där, så vi gick iallafall iväg och spelade på typ några hjul innan vi satte oss på första raden. För att slappa.. Och så kom killarna ut för soundcheck, ,och ja märkte inte att de va dom förrän i mitten av WMYB.. I slutet så fangirlade jag.. Ingen skrek, klappade händerna eller någonting när dom va klara, så jag skrek "det är fucking One Direction! AAAAAAAH" typ.. Och då applåderade folk.. Sen bestämde jag att jag ville få ta kort med dom. Så vi gick iväg, typ bara gick.. Tydligen kom Louise bort, och Ovve också.. Så jag gick själv och letade.. Så ser jag Louis stå i kön till typ bankomaten eller något.. Helt själv, så jag springer fram, kastar mig runt halsen, säger "i'm sorry, but I love you!" och ber om att få ta kort med honom.. haha^^ De sjukaste var att ingen runt om verkade bry sig alls..
Resten av gänget kommer iallafall dit så jag frågar om jag får ta kort med allihop. Jag tänker att det va synd att ovve inte va där och fick ta kort, men så ser ovve komma gåendes med Niall! som hon tagit kort med och tänkt samma sak om mig! Niall frågade mig om han får rida på hans rygg, för vi skulle tydligen gå någon annnan stans och ta kort. Harry kommer fram och säger "I planned on giving you a piggy back ride.." med ett en ledsen min som blev ett busigt leende när släpper ner Niall och hoppar upp på Harrys rygg. (Sorry Niall...): ) Sen kom vi till något ställe som såg ut som ett bibliotek, där vi ställde upp för kort, jag tror Harry klämde mig på rumpan.. Sen vaknade jag.. haha
Det va nog de skummaste..
Min Prins och jag♥

In 3 months you're brought to life♥

Idag har vart en knasig dag.. Vaknade, gjorde macka och kokade ägg, åt de och åkte och mötte sofia i innerstan! Glömde mallen hemma, åkte hem, hämtade den och åkte tillbaka. Fick sitta och vänta en stund innan vi kunde köra igång! Jag va inte alls nervös, det kanske va dumt... Kände mig mest taggad(: Satte mig och han började, de gjorde inte så ont, men ja tror jag spännde mig för att inte röra på mig. Sen antar jag att jag slappnade av, började må illa och känna mig yr.. Tänkte "äsch, jag inbillar mig bara!" lät han fortsätta och tänkte efter några sekunder "När han byter grepp/tar paus säger jag till.." Sa till, 30 sekunder senare blev allt svart.. haha^^ Hörde bara "håll i huvudet!" och sen bar Sofia och en annan tjej mig till britsen. Vaknade upp igen, låg och blundade ett tag, hörde as dåligt.. Sen öppnade jag ögonen och de blev klarare och klarare.. Fick en fanta, kakor, godis och sockerbit (y' haha^^
Seriöst.. haha... Jaja, efter en stund gjorde jag iallafall klart den och skulle egentligen gjort G-klaven bakom örat idag också, men tatueraren hade inte planerat det och jag tänkte att, gör jag en till svimmar jag säkert igen.. Kände mig fortfarande inte helt 100.. Jaja, sen va det Sofias tur och vi gick sen och åt lunch på Linneas! Strosade omkring på kungsmässan i någon timma, köpte Bepanthen salva och åkte hemmåt där min balklänning väntade på mig.. :D Den är så fin! Seriöst! Jag dör lite((: Måste hitta ett par skor bara! Sen kom ovve hem och vi försökte beställa hennes balklänning! 
Sen var det dags för födelsedagsmiddag för Sofia!(Hon fyllde år i måndags!) Åt på Tullen, det nya i Innerstan! De va nice(: Efter det kollade jag på BB!
Nu svider min tatto och färgen är svenigt smetig! Can't wait till att jag får ta bort plasten!
Godnatt på er♥

I'll hold your body in my hands, be as gentle as I can, but for now your scan of my unmade plans, A small bump in four months, you'll open your eyes. You are my one and only. You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
You're just a small bump unknown, you'll grow into your skin. With a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin. Finger nails the size of a half grain of rice, And eyelids closed to be soon opened wide.

(Värdelöst att man bara inte kan klicka på play.... -.-

Hey Ho, Let's go!

Det går bra nu..

Mitt projektarbete... Men nu jag är på väg iallafall!

Taggad inför imon(: Men tänkte skriva något mer intressant... Jag ska iallafall lägga upp inlägget om min dröm sen!
Och så måste jag städa.. För mitt rum ser hemskt ut.. Men det sög ju lite.. vem gillar att städa? Emmy.
Nej, nu orkar jag inte.... Så här får ni massa random 1D gifs(((:♥
There are no words♥
"Harry's getting head"

If you only try

Hejsan hoppsan alla fina! Nu ska ni få höra! Igår (förrgår) var det ju korta tävling, och jag bokade tattoo tid till mig och soffis! Sen jobbade jag 17:30-21:30 och åkte sen hem till Oscar för lite party! Blev lite för mycket av det goda för min del.. Men med Louise vid min sida klarade jag mig hela vägen hem!(y' Imorse när vi vaknade så hade pappa fixat våfflor till oss!(: så de åt vi, fixade iordning oss och åkte till ishallen och kollade på tävlingen! Boomerang åkte grymt! Och surprise är återigen världsmästare! Kul(: sen gick vi till hotellet, fixade lite innan förfest på rummet, och utgång på park lane! Fast vi under 20 fick inte komma in, så jag, Louise, lillen, Linnea och Martina gick till berså! Sveen kul!(: men de blev en nykter kväll för mig, för om en och en halv timma ska jag hämta bilen och köra hem Sofia! Så nu efter ett nattstopp på Donken, efter att jag inte ätit på 14 timmar, så ska vi sova i någon timma innan vi går! Det blir våfflor imon igen! Värt! Puss!

Long day

Japp, 14 timmar i ishallen blev det igår! Och nu är jag på väg in igen! Sitter på penseln, de luktar FÖR JÄVLIGT här... Fy fan. Idag har jag iallafall boka tatueringstid!!(: whopwhop! Det blir bara två tattoos, han tyckte inte de va värt att göra den tredje, den skulle bara bli ful! Idag står jag i kiss&cry från 17:30-21:00 tror jag! Sen ska jag hem till Oscar på party!(:
Imon ska jag inte jobba iallafall, men åker in och kollar, och sen blir det förhoppningsvis guld party på park lane!(: nu ska jag snart gå av! Puss<3

En låååång dag...

Kunde inte sova inatt, och drömde även inatt om min prins, Harry (Styles ofc..)(Har inte publicerat min första dröm men de kommer nog imon.. haha). Han är för fin♥
Idag kommer bli en otroligt lång och seg dag.. Uppe före tuppen och går och lägger mig efter han har somnat.. Fast de kanske man brukar.. Men man brukar inte jobba hela den tiden.. Jobbar i Scandinavium idag från 07:45- ja vet inte.. typ 21:30.. Utan lön dessutom.. Men det blir nog trevligt!
Skulle beställt tattoo tid igår.. Men dom stängde tidigt av någon anledning -.-, och idag kan jag ju inte, så jag och mjöda ska dit imon igen och kolla! Sen ska jag jobba igen, denna gången i Kiss&Cry! Vet inte hur länge.. Men antar att det blir typ från 17:00-21:30 eller något.. Så det blir kortare! Och efter det ska jag och Louise hem till Oscar som har partajj! Nice!
Nu måste jag göra mig iordning! Puss♥

Does it mattah where we were?

Harry i denna videon dock..♥ Too perfect♥
Men seriöst, jag vet inte hur många gånger jag har spelat om 1:22... Louis..♥

Mot Stockholm!

Jag flyttar till stockholm och hänger utanför deras hotell och Red One's studio på obestämd framtid...

Långfredag.. låååååång fredag.

Ja, de kan man verkligen säga, känns som om jag har vart vaken i flera dagar.. Jag har städat min garderob, i flera timmar, rensat ut lite, och provat massa kläder, till exempel min GO-tröja från Barnkanalen inspelningen med Ovve! Haha den passar fortfarande den där lilla tröjan, i storlek 130/140.. Förjävla kort va den iallafall.. haha
Sen har jag strassat klart mina studentskor! Snyggt blev det! Nu ska jag bara köpa sidensnören och hitta nya balskor... ( ): ) Har sytt in massa grejjor idag också, och klippt sönder.. och sytt ihop... haha^^ Glömde dock mina shorts.. Får ta dom någon annan dag! Skulle egentligen ut med Oscar och gänget ikväll, men jag ska öppna på jobbet för första gången imon, så jag får stanna hemma och kolla på Big Brother istället!
Har beställt en käck liten One Direction tidning från Australien också.. Och imon börjar min kattpassning av Misse-Måns♥ Söten där! Och.. jag ska gå och beställa tatueringstid någon gång i veckan... Någon som vill hänga med? Haha^^ Nu ska jag sätta mig vid tvn och äta yoghurt och ananas! Mmmmmhhmhmhmhmhm gottttttt. Damp.

There's only One Tree Hill ♥

Rös igenom sista 20 minutrarna av det sista fina avsnittet♥

Igår hade vi sista auditionen! Kul! Självklart va våran favvovaktis där♥ Hrm. Vi körde iallafall irländsk julafton i slutet. Haha! Så sjukt kul! Fy va kul det är.. Haha
Iallafall, är på riktigt städhumör idag av någon anledning, de händer inte ofta (en gång/millennium typ) så man får ju änna passa på! Så nu rensar jag min garderob, och vet ni vad jag hittade? Mina egna Sverige tights som jag letat efter sedan Frankrike! haha, har tillomed köpt nya och fått någon annans... De va bara mamma som lagt in den andra personens i min garderob... Och så hittade jag mitt dyra Dior läppglans från Together tiden som jag tappade bort i Maj förra året! :D Nice! Nu får jag lite mer plats i garderoben också.. Det är ju käckt! Jaja, nu ska jag återgå till städandet!

A walk down memory lane♥

Jag vill inte att det ska vara över): Världens bästa serie!♥

Planning for someday..♥

Min kind atm


Fml jag är gul i ansiktet

Har fått ett blåmärke i mitt face! -.- kulkul! Fml. Jag orkar inte. Hade första auditionen igår! Svin kul! Jag orkar inte skriva mer... Men idag är det audition igen.. Ska bli kul.. Nu ska jag sluta skriva.. Ville bara berätta om mitt lilla missöde... Trodde inte dom va seriösa när dom skrev att man kunde få blåmärken där skruven var... Wääääää!

Update 14:33; Färgen börjar övergå till svagt grön.

Köpa ett par skor?

Letar du balskor?
Säljer dessa oanvända skor för 1000:-! Nypris 1700:-!
Storlek 37/38!

I hate what didn't kill me, it never made me stronger at all..

Idag är ingen bra dag, det kanske är dumt att blogg då, men jag orkar inte bry mig.. Måste få ut mina aggressioner någonstans.
I lördags gjorde jag inte ett piss på dagen, jobbade kvällen och sov. Folk va oerhört glömska, folk glömde plånböcker, lotter hit och dit.. Sen igår va det träningsdags, och iomed att de va första april så lurade lillen alla att hon hade haft för höga klackar och stukade foten, näst intill alla gick på den, även coach.. Vi tränade iallafall, och jag intervjuade Louise till mitt repotage.. Idag va de "sovmorgon" en timma, och så kollade vi på film, och hade någon konstig natur-diskussion.. Sen slutade vi, och jag åkte hem, kollade på ett avsnitt av Big Brother och väntade på att UPS skulle komma med mina balskor, åkte och fixade inlägg till mina skridskor så jag kanske kan sluta få kramp (äntligen!). Åkte hem igen, fick mina skor. Dom va för små. Kul när dom kostade 1700 spänn och man inte får pengarna tillbaka. JA! MITT LIV ÄR TOPPEN.
Och på toppen på det är mitt face svin svullet, det ser ut som om jag hamstrar mat eller har gått upp 20 kg. Jävligt roligt. Verkligen. Kan svullnaden inte bara gå ner? snälla? eller möjligtvis flytta sig till mitt ben eller något. Bara en och en halv vecka till. Yes!